January – Week 1: What are your resolutions for 2015?
I have actually been thinking about this particular post for several days, since reading what the topics of discussion for January would be. To be very honest, I don’t make resolutions each year. Why bother making promises that no one ever expects you to keep? It’s all part of a mindless ritual – lose weight, work harder, exercise more, better myself. Empty resolutions with no chance of success because no one actually wants to put the grunt work into making things happen.
So, I don’t make resolutions.
This year, though I have been thinking about the whole idea of making resolutions, making promises and oaths. And I have realised that over the past few months, I have been working on just this subject. Not an oath or a promise or a resolution made at the stroke of midnight, New Year’s Eve. Ones though that I am striving to achieve.
These then are the oaths I make for 2015:
I will listen more to the messages within my body, without blocking or ignoring them.
I say this because I have made many realisations in this past year. A BIGGY is the awareness that like all 3 of my sons, I have Asperger’s Syndrome. Along with this I have an assortment of sensory processing ideosyncrasies, which means that I am not always aware of the internal signals my body is trying to send me. Messages pertaining to emotions and also to biological messages related to hunger, thirst, tiredness, pain, and oddly enough the need to go pee.
I am working on teaching my conscious self to recognise these messages from within.
I will work on developing firmer personal boundaries.
This relates to the whole being an Aspie woman, but also to a lot of background events within my life that I won’t go into here. The result of all this is that in recent years I have come to realise that I don’t have a very good grasp on where my personal boundaries are. Like many Asperger women, I am a bit of a chameleon, taking on the roles, likes and dislikes of those around me in my life.
From 1998 until 2012, that person was my now ex-husband. Since 2012 I have been working on defining me without reference to another person. This is more than deciding I will put up with X, but not Y. I’m also looking at what foods do I like to eat? What TV shows do I like to watch? What do I like to read? How much socialising do I need in a week? How much do I actually want?
I will spend more time just being.
This ties back in with listening and paying attention to my internal messages, because one of the negative side effects of spending a lifetime ignoring my body, is that I have become very good at not being mentally present inside my body. Over the past couple years I have done shamanic journeywork many times and been told I just need to continue practicing being inside my body. Not doing, just being.
For now this has meant doing journeywork, going to my Sacred Space, and just being. Just practicing being inside my body. In the coming months this may mean doing some sort of bodywork, to help me become more aware of my physical self. Baby steps though.
I will forgive myself, and accept myself, more.
Yeah, this one may be toughest of all. It’s something I am working on for a while. Being kinder to myself, gentler. Discovering that I am an Aspie woman has helped in this.
First and foremost is the realisation that I’m not going to be 100% successful on those other resolutions. I have 48 years of conditioning and blocking and ignoring and being out-of-sync to overcome. So, I am going to have moments where I ignore an urge to go pee until I am fit to bursting (which happens a whole lot more often at age 48 than it did at age 24!). I am going to have times when I ignore or block emotions.
It took my 48 years to reach this stage of my life, I can give myself 48 more to work on getting back in touch with me.